is trust your first thought after discovering infideltiy?

I remember it all so well, discovering my partner's affair in the middle of the night by trusting my gut instinct and checking his phone. It was all there, the ugly truth in black and white. It was like having a knife ripping threw my heart, the biggest sucker punch to my gut and a hard kick to my head all at once.

How do I even begin to navigate my way through all the pain and emotions from betrayal? I called my besties and family for support. At this moment in time, I didn't know what I needed yet they wanted be helpful and steer me. The most common response I received was "How are you ever going to trust him again, you need to leave", and at that moment of time I believed I needed to leave as well. It was a done deal.

The reality of the situation was that "trust" wasn't entering my train of thought. My train of thought went like this:

• How could you do this to us?

• I thought we were in a really great space in our relationship

• How could you?

• Why HER of all people, you know what she's about?

• How could you?

• You are a piece of $$it

• WHY?

• How could you?

• WHY?

• What is wrong with you?

• You are disgusting

• What did I do to deserve this?

• Why HER?

• Where am I going to live?

• I hope it was worth messing your life up for

• You will pay for this

• What are people going to think of me?

• How could you?

• WHY?

• What is wrong with you?

• Was it worth it?

• You just blew up MY life for you own selfish needs

• Where do I go from here?

• Where am I going to live?

• WHY?

• How could you?

• You are a piece of $$it.
  

Worrying about trusting someone again wasn't even part of my headspace. Getting answers to my questions and grieving the loss of my future was. Even though I had an awesome support system, I was lonely, unhappy and trying to figure out to fill a void in my life, which was the loss of my best friend.

After a few months of little communication, we had to come together to get our house listed, which involved opening a pool together - which was a reminder of how well we worked together. During our time together I could see a change in my partner (who was working with a therapist), for the first time ever he was remorseful, he was no longer defensive in communicating. Had he changed?

I had a choice to make, to continue on my own path, or see if we could restore our relationship. If he was a changed person did I deserve to get the best version of him? A quote he used was "Good people make poor choices', and I remind myself of that daily. He promised was committed to doing the work and would never cheat on anyone again. So here is where trust comes in.

Now this is where listening to my own advice came in with my future. I knew I wanted to put my relationship back on track, and I also knew I would be met with criticism for doing so. Many people would judge me and feel that going back to my partner was weak on my part and that I had no respect for myself. I knew I would loose friends over my decision. However, no one but me had walked in my shoes for the past few months, no one but me knew the implications of leaving for good or giving it one last attempt. It was time to remove the outside voices from head and make a decision based on my own needs.

I kept my decision to work on things quiet for a while, the last thing I wanted was to be met with was criticism and people questioning my actions. That was the best thing I did as it meant I could focus on what I needed, what I wanted, and what my future relationship would look like. It meant my partner and I could work on ourselves and our relationship without outside influence.

Today my relationship is on track, the road has not been a paved straight road, but one that is bumpy at times, sometimes we drive in circles or take a long drive. There are U turns when we we missed some stops along the way, or we hadn't fully exhausted a destination. What I have learnt is that we are not in a race to get to the finish line, but rather a journey. Isn't that what life is all about?

My biggest take away from this life lesson, is to not judge anyone going through infidelity, whether it is the betrayed or the wayward spouse, each are dealing with their own separate emotions, but support them where they are at.